


Clean Cut

by Sinnysinsinned



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 18:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21123395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinnysinsinned/pseuds/Sinnysinsinned
Summary: Matthew was 12 when he turned into a big kid.





	Clean Cut

Matthew relished all contact he could from his father, a patting on his head, a nudge on the shoulder, anything could send the boy to a state of uncontainable joy. 

When his father had placed his hands on his shoulders as he stood behind him, Matthew's chest rammed with his erratic and excited heartbeat, his hand fidgeted and he held them together to stop his happy jittering, he knew Dad didn't like him causing too much ruckus.

His father had told him that he'd consider Matthew joining his "little group of rascals" as he'd call them, big kids who Dad always seemed so happy to talk with, Dad seemed to want to be with them more, and Matthew's heart ached to be closer, to be by Dad's side and see him smile when he looked at him. Matthew wanted to be one of those big kids Dad loved so much.

"Matthew, son," Dad's buzzing voice, light and happy had spoken up as he guided Matthew down the corridor he'd never been able to walk himself, yet had always wanted to, he'd seen Dad walk with the big kids through the same corridor. "I know you've wanted to join my rascals for a while, and I've told you, that the possibilities of you joining them, were as low as your thinking." He laughed, softly, safely and Matthew laughed with him, he found Dad's jokes to always be a little funny. "However, I think I've finally found a way to get you in, to prove that you're brave, that you're good." 'Good' the word made Matthew smile, smile big and show his teeth off, it made him want to bounce but he held himself down, he wanted to keep Dad happy, wanted to be good.

The end of corridor wasn't too far away from the room where Matthew would play in, at the end stood a tall door, a metal one, it looked old and it intimidated Matthew yet he held his head high, he was brave, brave for Dad.

"I just need you to do this for me, I'm sure you can do it." He buzzed with excitement and ignored the way the heavy metal door made an ugly sound that hurt his ears. "Go on." He nudged him forward and once he no longer felt Dad's hands on his shoulders his stomach began hurting, he walked forward, his bare feet patting on the damp floor, it was cold and it ached but he marched on, chest puffed; the room was dark, empty, and only two lightbulbs made it able to see just a little bit, yet he saw the circle of the big kids at the center. All of them were talking quietly with eachother, sometimes laughing. They heard his pattering feet and they turned to him, parting to make way for him to get at the center, they were taller and he felt like he was inside a tower, a cold, wet, ugly tower. He heard the metal door's loud and ugly sound again. 

Dad entered the circle as well, and once he stood next to Matthew, he reached inside his back pocket. 

"Here, son." Matthew extended his hand, and when Dad let go of what he was holding he felt weight, weight and smooth wood. "You open it like this." He pulled at the piece of metal that peeked from the side of the smooth wood and Matthew realized that this is what he saw the big kids had with them sometimes. 

Matthew isn't a stranger to a knife. 

He held it between his two hands tightly and heard the big kids snicker, saw their lips curling up around the word "newbie".

He heard the door once again, and the same type of pattering of feet he made when he walked the floor.

"Lucky, aren't we a little late?"

Matthew's head whipped back, the harsh and quick movement making him dizzy; he saw his younger brother being walked to them by a big kid, eyes glued to the floor as he walked into the circle with Dad and Matthew.

"Lucky." Dad raised his voice and Lucky peeked at him under his long bangs, the liliac hair was always a hassle to tame, so Dad told Lucky to do it instead, he was just far too busy, the brush hurt his head though so he let it that way, knotted and dirty, sometimes it looked shorter than it was."

'M sorry." His small voice answered Dad, who stared at him quietly, the static of his head buzzing and making Lucky try to hide between his shoulders. 

He sighed, tired and Matthew frowned at the sound, he didn't like it when Dad got upset, he wouldn't talk to him, and once he hadn't been around home for an entire day, Matthew didn't cry though, he held himself together and toughed through it, Lucky talked a bit more then actually, he played with Matthew more, too.

"Come." Dad beckoned Lucky closer, reaching to the other pocket, Lucky was barefoot too, and the shirt he wore was too big, it even covered his shorts.  
Dad put a similar looking knife on Lucky's smaller hands, and they trembled grasping it tightly, he looked scared. Dad always said Lucky was a bit of a scaredy cat, and Matthew believed it, he was jumpy, his eyes were always too wide, and Matthew thought it was probably because when he found him, he scared him accidentally, and he just stayed that way, all jumpy and like a scaredy cat.

  
"Play nice" Dad smiled and patted their heads.  
Matthew smiled, Lucky flinched.

  
Dad left them, the heels of his fancy black shoes clacking on the floor, and Matthew shifted his cold feet on the floor, they hurt more now.  
"Lucky! I'm gonna be a big kid!" Lucky's eyes got wide, and Matthew laughed, it was funny how worried Lucky got sometimes. "Dad said I would if i did this!"  
"What... is _this_?" Lucky asked, his voice was quiet, not light and happy like Dad's, it's sad, Lucky looked like he was sad a lot.  
One of the big kids laughed loudly, the hood he had on only let him look at his smile, his lip looked bad, ugly.  
"The knife doesn't give you a clue?" Matthew didn't like the kid's voice, it sounded sick, like he needed to cough, it made his hands feel itchy.  
Lucky made a weird sound, and his hands shook more now.

  
"What?"  
"You gotta open him up Mattie."

  
Matthew looked at Lucky, he cried now, big fat tears that left a clean streak of the grime on his face.  
"I..." Matthew's hands felt like they didn't hold the knife so steadily now, it felt like it would slip and clatter on the floor.  
"Matt, son, be brave for Dad. I only ask for this. You can do this _one_ thing, right?" He couldn't see Dad, he couldn't feel Dad, he just heard him. He grasped the knife better. Lucky sobbed.

  
"Matthew." His brother chocked out, from underneath his tears and snot. Dad also said Lucky was a crybaby, Dad was right. Dad always seemed to be right, the things he said, the things he'd predict, they were always true.  
So Matthew could do this.  
Matthew was a big kid.  
Lucky shook his head, he walked backwards, his thin knees knocking against each other, he looked like a skeleton sometimes. Matthew giggled at the comparison.

  
"Matthew don't hurt me."

  
Matthew walked forward, Lucky shook his head, he bumped against the big kids who pushed him forward. Matthew's hand tightly grasped his little brother's elbow, he felt so thin, he could almost wrap his hand around it easily.  
Matthew never hurt Lucky on purpose, he knew Lucky exaggerated, Dad said it once, when he grabbed him not even roughly and Lucky cried a lot, saying Dad had hurt him, Matthew knew it wasn't true, because Dad grabbed him the same way, and he didn't even cry, he didn't mind the bruise, it didn't hurt, not a tiny bit, Lucky just cried a lot, and he was scared a lot, he made things bigger than they were.

  
"Matthew, let go- Matthew it _hurts_."

  
Matthew ignored the way his chest hurt, the way his eyes stung so much, how Lucky's cries were _so scared_, he sounded as scared as ever, terrified of _Matthew_, of his own big brother.Matthew ignored the weight of Dad's stare, the horrible sound of his clacking shoes, the way it made him want to hide, made him want to let go of Lucky, made the wood of the knife he held burn his hand, it felt awful, his nails felt weird, he felt weird all over. His ears felt filled with cotton yet he heard so clearly, he heard the blade of Lucky's knife clatter against the wet ground, he heard the ripping of Lucky's shirt.

He felt Lucky's nails gripping on his arms.  
Lucky's cries stopped as he choked on his own breath.  
Matthew ignored the warmth trickling down on his own face, ignored the way he also choked around nothing. Lucky dragged him down when he fell, and Matthew scraped his knees against the floor, he looked at his own arms, ripped slightly from Lucky's nails. Matthew thought that only a scratch hurt worse than anything he'd ever felt. It made his entire body burn, it made him want to cry out for Dad, made him want to hide his face in his chest like he did when he was 5 and cried almost as much as Lucky did.

He kneeled in silence as Lucky gasped.

Matthew was 12 when a blade was put in his hands for the first time.

And Matthew was 12 when Lucky became more afraid and sadder than he ever was.


End file.
